Steven reached around to his back and tried to loosen his cummerbund. The pleated periwinkle eased off his waist for a second before the elastic tightened around his midsection again. The librarian watched him from between copies of Paradise Lost and Pilgrim’s Progress. She was at least seventy years old. She was giving him a lusty look.
Steven had no idea how to find anything in the library. He had faked every reference on every research paper he’d ever written in high school. Teachers never bothered to check the references students cited. They also didn’t care if students wrote in cursive or longhand. Steven’s fourth grade teacher had told him otherwise. In high school and beyond, she had told him, teachers wouldn’t accept any work not done in cursive and had forced her class to learn how to write in one continuous script. One day Steven hoped to expose her for the liar she really was.
It was the Saturday morning after Steven’s best friend Gion’s wedding. Usually, Friday nights were spent at home battling Ju for world domination. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights were also spent battling Ju for world domination. Tuesdays Steven’s family went to visit Grandma Maude at Shady Acres Retirement Center. The only internet they had there was at the receptionist’s desk in the front lobby. It used a dial up connection. Grandma Maude thought Steven got his moodiness from his mother’s side of the family.
Ju lived in Busan, South Korea. He was sponsored by the Cyberathlete Professional League. Steven belonged to the Global Gaming League, rival to the CPL. He was grateful for affirmative action. If it weren’t for the number of Asian kids already in the League, there was no way he would have been admitted. Black kids can jump higher than other kids. Asian kids can aim better with dual analog control sticks than other kids. Steven could invent primary reference sources better than other kids.
Steven had met Ju in a chat room. Ju spoke a little English. His entire lexicon was a series of swear words and insults, most dealing with mothers and impotence and sometimes both. Shortly after meeting, the monitors had asked Steven and Ju to take their discussion elsewhere, out of the chat room. Since then Ju and Steven had faced off in every two player game ever made, from World of Warcraft to Golden Eye. Ju had won every single time except once. It was during a chess game. Steven couldn’t take losing anymore, so in a separate window he ran ChessMaster 6000 with the computer playing on Super Expert level against Ju. Ju would move and Steven would see how ChessMaster responded, then did likewise. Steven had won, but it was a hallow victory.
Steven had found a broom last night and hadn’t yet set it down. He was currently using it to keep the librarian from jumping on top of him. Her arms were spread open towards him, her eyes closed, her lips making sloppy sounding kisses. He was having a hard time keeping the broom pole between himself and his aged admirer. It wasn’t the first time he had needed the broom for this exact purpose.
It had begun last night at Gion’s wedding, and been especially awkward for Steven. He had been talking to Gion about the Mario franchises’ transition from the Gamecube to the Wii when Grandma Maude approached him. It soon became clear that her intentions and interests were less than wholesome, let alone appropriate with her own grandson. She was quickly followed by Gion’s grandma, their piano teacher, several widows, and every other septuagenarian in attendance. Their unprovoked sexual advances raised eyebrows at Gion’s wedding reception. Their swiftness in pursuing Steven as he bolted in a full sprint dropped mouths. Their bruises caused by Steven beating them back with a broom caused interior bleeding.
Steven eventually deduced his cummerbund had something to do with the senior citizen’s queer behavior. After having escaped back to his parent’s basement, Steven tried to remove his tux. The cummerbund didn’t come off. He tried to shimmy out of it, pulled on it, and even cut it. Out of breath and next to naked, Steven stood in front of the mirror looking at the periwinkle cummerbund. He was going to have a hard time pulling it off in a t-shirt and blue jeans.
The library seemed like a logical place to look for information about immovable clothing accessories. The internet seemed like an even better logical place to look, but Wikipedia was less than helpful. Steven suspected any information concerning the subject had been removed by a moderator for being fraudulent, and Steven cursed their efficiency. Steven hit the lecherous librarian in the shin with the broomstick and made a run for it. He ran out the front door, turned around, and ran the broomstick through the door handles. He made his way defenseless towards Zoraster’s Tuxedo Rentals as the librarian smeared her scarlet lipstick all over the door windows.
“My bad,” said Zoraster. He explained. Several thousand years ago, Zoraster had imprisoned an Angra Mainyu in the periwinkle cummerbund Steven now wore about his waist. The Angra Mainyu was named Kyle the Undesirable. Kyle would possess a human body unbeknownst to the host. After the time of possession, whatever the person least desired would chase after that person indefinably and indefatigably. Zoraster had been charged to guard the detained spirit for all eternity. He had misplaced the possessed cummerbund earlier that week and accidentally rented it to Steven on Friday. He was very sorry for the inconvenience and gave Steven a coupon for a free tuxedo rental.
“This probably would never have happened if every cummerbund in your store weren’t periwinkle,” Steven said.
“I like that color.”
“Evidently.”
Unexpectedly, it was easier to remove the evil spirit trapped around Steven’s waist than he had supposed.
“All you have to do is convince someone else to take the cummerbund from you.”
“Will you?”
“No.”
“Isn’t it your job to take care of this thing?”
“I kind of like the idea of not having to deal with it anymore. I haven’t seen anything but local car dealership ads on television for the past two thousand years. I didn’t know that was what I least desired, but I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on it since.”
Steven had an idea. He asked to use the store’s computer. Within a few seconds, his averter was wearing a periwinkle cummerbund. Steven found Ju’s averter.
“The evidence your coward is clear. Scared to play last night. The weight of your mother is eternal,” said the bubble above Ju’s ninja warrior paladin.
“Hey Ju, check out my new armor. I won it last night on the Canadian LAN server Unreal Tournament.”
“I see turds more impressive all time. I beat you all the time. I should have purple armor.”
“Tell you what- you beat me again, and you can have it.”
One game of Pong later and Steven was forced to concede his digital cummerbund. There was less pressure on his waist. He looked down and the periwinkle cummerbund had disappeared. Steven looked back to the computer.
“Do you like it?” he asked. Ju didn’t answer. His avater stood still on Steven’s screen. On the other side of the planet, Ju was hiding under his desk, pretending he wasn’t home. The Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses that had grouped outside his home stopped knocking and began looking through his windows.
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